Thursday, June 2, 2016

The Lost Interview: Venger Satanis on SGC2C

I'm known as a deaddrop by the SETI people. They often send me their findings for safe-keeping. For the most part I am pretty dependable and will simply not give up my secrets. At least not until Hillary Clinton is elected president and forces me to at gun point.

This one, however, was too good to keep under wraps...

[ BEGIN TRANSMISSION ]

Greetings Citizens, I'm Space Ghost and tonight we are celebrating Intergalactic Tabletop Role Playing Game Day. Moltar, who is our first guest? Gary Gygax?
Nope. He's dead.
Dave Arneson?
Dead.
Tom Moldvay?
Tot!
Um.... Sandy Peterson?
Tickled to death by nightgaunts.
Well, is there anybody who does this tabletop role playing thing who is still alive?
We've got this guy [throws lever, kerchunk!] Venger Satanis.
Good gravy, he's gone green! Is he getting enough oxygen?
Yup. That's just the way he looks.
He's not one of them is he....
Hey! What are you looking at paste-eater?
No, he's human. I'm sending him in. [kerchunk! the interview screen cranks down from the ceiling].
Oh well, when life gives you lemons, interview the guy with a big lime for a head.
He's right there dumb-ass.
Greetings! Venger Satanis! Tell me, are you getting enough oxygen?
...
Okayeee.... Moltar? He is getting oxygen isn't he?
Hold on. Let me go check. [sound of footstep on the stairs]
Alright. I can wait....
yinggg-zing. yinggg-zing.
Are we back yet?
Yeah, he's got oxygen.
Alrightee then! So, Venger Satanis, I am told you create table top role playing games. Tell me, what is a table top role playing game. Is it like Twister? Is it like Twister you play on top of a table?
Yes, exactly like that. Except instead of right foot on blue, you pretend to be someone else doing something cool, interesting, or funny - like having sex on your motorcycle while driving it through an art museum that's under attack by a thousand pirate platypi.
That sounds like how I met Moltar.
I thought you said we weren't going to talk about that.
Oh, I did? Ah, no, I meant your Mother. I mean Moltar's Mother! How I met Moltar's Mother. I think. Anyway, can you tell us anything about the games themselves?
Some are fantasy, others sci-fi, and the rest horror. My approach is both old school and trying to get at something new. There's a darkness to my work, but also a sense of humor. Lovecraftian gonzo... but sexy.
Hey! Don't you run Alpha Blue?
Running Alpha Blue makes you question your sexuality.
Not me, I'm a platinum member baby! No questions asked!
You are not! Zorak, you've never even been to Alpha Blue!
I'm there all the time, gettin' me my nookie fix.
Zorak. When your species procreates, the female bites the head off the male and shoots eggs down his throat.
And then I regenerate.
Eggs that hatch and cannibalize the corpse from the inside out.
And then I regenerate.
yinggg-zing. yinggg-zing.
I get my corpse eaten every weekend, rain or shine.
LIAR! Regenerate THIS!
...
Pay no mind to Zorak, Venger. He's evil.
And then I regenerate. Muwhahahahahahaha!
Sooooooo. Venger. You wouldn't happen to have any free drink coupons for this 'game' of yours? Because up until now I've just been you know, hovering the phantom cruiser above it in inviso-mode, peeking down through the windows and -
Hey Space Ghost. Time to wrap it up. The power & light people are here. It's been three months since you last paid the bill. They say they're gonna pull the plug.
Gee-willikers. Venger Satanis, is there anything else you'd like to say to the good people at home before we go off the air??
There's a lost niche in sci-fi, one that flourished in the 70's and 80's... the raunchy comedy (although, I'd classify Flash Gordon as sci-fi exploitation, which Alpha Blue also does well). Alpha Blue revitalizes that sub-genre. So, if you've ever wanted to roleplay in a sleazy rip-off of Star Wars that also parodies Star Trek, Blake's 7, Battlestar Galactica, and a dozen other franchises, this is the game for you.

Oh yeah, I'm also trying to fund a new Alpha Blue sourcebook via Kickstarter. Here's the link.
Hey! When ya gonna talk about Crimson Dragon Slayer? I wanna play me some Crimson Drag--

[ END TRANSMISSION ]